I do think about, worry about, ruminate upon, quite simply, mortality. My line of work entails ministering to the dying and the close proximity to those standing on the verge of moving on, as it were, has effected me deeply. Not so much in how I conduct my life or in my hopes for the future, but in how I succeeded in stumbling through most of my youth completely blind. That we are here and some day won't be is everything. At the end of the day, that's it. We all fill our lives with stuff and activity, some of us becoming billionnaires along the way, some of us struggling day to day and still some of us trying to sit still long enough that the ultimate truth might seep through the chatter.
What gets to me is how enlightened I used to believe I was. I was always aware of my spiritual struggle but often believed that my eyes were in fact open to seeing the truth. The truth took on a lot of forms but through it all, I felt like my success and status in life were somehow divinely inevitable: Wherever my quest for truth led me, in the meantime I would chance to lead a charmed life with dreams fulfilled along the way and with every step.
Whether my eyes are open now doesn't even matter. What is true is that I view the world and myself differently. My hope is that in twenty years I'll look back at this and with the wisdom of my years guiding me, realize I still didn't have a clue. The more I learn the less I know.
I watch my patients take every breath, some at peace, some expressing fear, and some angry with the whole fucking process. Peaceful or fearful, each anticipating glory, nothingness, or both. I find myself leaning to the belief that what comes after death does not matter. Our willingness to be there for others, to help and to comfort, to be a witness to their lives is paramount. To be able to proclaim "Because I am, I know you are."
Friday, June 01, 2012
Monday, April 12, 2010
Wrap your troubles in dreams (and dream your troubles away)
I don't live without fear or worry. I seem to keep them both at bay however. I don't look for things to worry about or to be afraid of.
I don't have time for conspiracy theories. They mostly seem to contain a germ of the idea that our lives may be more interesting than they really are.
I don't have time for UFOs although I wouldn't mind riding on one. Some people claim multiple sightings and/or abductions. To this day I've neither seen nor ridden on one, willfully or otherwise. Some are called upon to believe in UFOs and others, like me, simply aren't.
I don't believe in Bigfoot although I lived in Eugene, Oregon back in the late 1960s. If there was ever a time or a place for the missing link to have visited me, it would have been then. The 1967 Patterson-Gimlin filmed encounter with Bigfoot was quite the rage and plaster casts of footprints brought back from the mountains were ubiquitous. But never having seen Bigfoot, I must count myself among those not put upon to believe he/she/it is real.
I'll stop myself before filling up several paragraphs about the Loch Ness Monster, leprechauns, JFK's assassination, fluoride, 9/11 and a certain would-be messiah rising from the dead.
I don't know what it means to believe in something for which there is no proof. I know some would call it faith but that's merely semantics.
I tend to believe in things that are real. I believe the sun will rise in the morning and set at night. I believe there are stars in the skies. Angels not so much. I believe pollution is real and that humanity is capable of great stupidity and great compassion. I believe green tea is good and having cats and dogs around the house is a good thing too. I think smoking is bad for your health and mine but the occasional cigarette is not. Marijuana should be legalized although I don't smoke pot.
I think love and compassion are holy truths and that leading a life that isn't entirely self-serving is a good thing. I think that leading a life that is entirely not self-serving is impossible so I won't even try.
I believe tonight's dinner will probably utilize a box of penne and a can of cream of mushroom soup among other ingredients. I will use the internet to get some good ideas for how to proceed. Good dinner or not, I'm not gonna worry about it.
I don't have time for conspiracy theories. They mostly seem to contain a germ of the idea that our lives may be more interesting than they really are.
I don't have time for UFOs although I wouldn't mind riding on one. Some people claim multiple sightings and/or abductions. To this day I've neither seen nor ridden on one, willfully or otherwise. Some are called upon to believe in UFOs and others, like me, simply aren't.
I don't believe in Bigfoot although I lived in Eugene, Oregon back in the late 1960s. If there was ever a time or a place for the missing link to have visited me, it would have been then. The 1967 Patterson-Gimlin filmed encounter with Bigfoot was quite the rage and plaster casts of footprints brought back from the mountains were ubiquitous. But never having seen Bigfoot, I must count myself among those not put upon to believe he/she/it is real.
I'll stop myself before filling up several paragraphs about the Loch Ness Monster, leprechauns, JFK's assassination, fluoride, 9/11 and a certain would-be messiah rising from the dead.
I don't know what it means to believe in something for which there is no proof. I know some would call it faith but that's merely semantics.
I tend to believe in things that are real. I believe the sun will rise in the morning and set at night. I believe there are stars in the skies. Angels not so much. I believe pollution is real and that humanity is capable of great stupidity and great compassion. I believe green tea is good and having cats and dogs around the house is a good thing too. I think smoking is bad for your health and mine but the occasional cigarette is not. Marijuana should be legalized although I don't smoke pot.
I think love and compassion are holy truths and that leading a life that isn't entirely self-serving is a good thing. I think that leading a life that is entirely not self-serving is impossible so I won't even try.
I believe tonight's dinner will probably utilize a box of penne and a can of cream of mushroom soup among other ingredients. I will use the internet to get some good ideas for how to proceed. Good dinner or not, I'm not gonna worry about it.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Rain
When the rain is falling, I like to raise all the windows and listen. It's a soft percussion. A soothing rhythm without a martial pulse.
Imagine if everyone would stop talking when it rains. If everyone would choose not to drive anywhere or do anything. If rain was so exciting and mystical that all activity would stop and the rain would fill our consciousness.
Raise your window, baby. Listen to the water fall
Insert movie times and more without leaving Hotmail®. See how.
Imagine if everyone would stop talking when it rains. If everyone would choose not to drive anywhere or do anything. If rain was so exciting and mystical that all activity would stop and the rain would fill our consciousness.
Raise your window, baby. Listen to the water fall
Insert movie times and more without leaving Hotmail®. See how.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Wanting and Suffering: Noodles. No Noodles.
Sunday afternoon. Sitting in a clean living room. Clean except for the ladder in front of the window. Clean except for the dining room chairs placed here and there and not in the dining room.
Wondering what life would be like on Jupiter or Mars. What life would be like if I was a Christian. Or a Muslim. A Jew. What would be different? Would I still be sitting in my sort of clean living room, blogging what ifs?
Lisa and Roy are out running errands. I'm sure Roy will come home with a toy. I know him too well. And if not a toy, a cookie the size of his head. Hopefully by that point, I will have finished blogging and gotten back to putting dining room chairs in the dining room and ladders wherever ladders are supposed to go.
What do I believe? I believe suffering is real. I believe that almost every action we take either causes suffering or alleviates suffering. I see it with Roy all the time. The roots of adult suffering.
I'll take him out to buy a toy. Because I'm a "good Dad" and I feel like being nice. I say we can buy something for $7.99. I set the limit. He sees two cool guys each priced $7.99. He can't decide which to get. He asks if he can both. I say "no" because I know 7.99 plus tax is what I can spend. Choosing makes him mad. Finally, he puts one guy away and takes the other to the counter. He doesn't look happy, though. He is sad. He's sad because he doesn't have the other guy. Buying a toy has caused the little guy to experience suffering. Just think of it.
And saying "But, Roy, you've got this cool new guy that you didn't have before!" doesn't help. It's a little scenario. And one that I'm sure a lot of parents run into. But it's a perfect example of how wanting and suffering are linked.
Ever drink a lot of beer and then be sad because there's no more beer to drink? When the last bit of an Abbott's chocolate almond frozen custard cone is gone, am I happy that I ate it or sad that it's gone?
Time for me to move furniture back to where it belongs. The rugs are clean having spent two hours shampooing them. But they'll get dirty again. Clean rugs, dirty rugs. There's not much difference.
Noodles. No Noodles. Kung Fu Panda is a smart and savvy movie that gets a lot of it right.
The secret ingredient is nothing.
Peace,
-PHil
Lauren found her dream laptop. Find the PC that's right for you.
Wondering what life would be like on Jupiter or Mars. What life would be like if I was a Christian. Or a Muslim. A Jew. What would be different? Would I still be sitting in my sort of clean living room, blogging what ifs?
Lisa and Roy are out running errands. I'm sure Roy will come home with a toy. I know him too well. And if not a toy, a cookie the size of his head. Hopefully by that point, I will have finished blogging and gotten back to putting dining room chairs in the dining room and ladders wherever ladders are supposed to go.
What do I believe? I believe suffering is real. I believe that almost every action we take either causes suffering or alleviates suffering. I see it with Roy all the time. The roots of adult suffering.
I'll take him out to buy a toy. Because I'm a "good Dad" and I feel like being nice. I say we can buy something for $7.99. I set the limit. He sees two cool guys each priced $7.99. He can't decide which to get. He asks if he can both. I say "no" because I know 7.99 plus tax is what I can spend. Choosing makes him mad. Finally, he puts one guy away and takes the other to the counter. He doesn't look happy, though. He is sad. He's sad because he doesn't have the other guy. Buying a toy has caused the little guy to experience suffering. Just think of it.
And saying "But, Roy, you've got this cool new guy that you didn't have before!" doesn't help. It's a little scenario. And one that I'm sure a lot of parents run into. But it's a perfect example of how wanting and suffering are linked.
Ever drink a lot of beer and then be sad because there's no more beer to drink? When the last bit of an Abbott's chocolate almond frozen custard cone is gone, am I happy that I ate it or sad that it's gone?
Time for me to move furniture back to where it belongs. The rugs are clean having spent two hours shampooing them. But they'll get dirty again. Clean rugs, dirty rugs. There's not much difference.
Noodles. No Noodles. Kung Fu Panda is a smart and savvy movie that gets a lot of it right.
The secret ingredient is nothing.
Peace,
-PHil
Lauren found her dream laptop. Find the PC that's right for you.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Email posting
Just seeing if this email posting thang works. Let's have a look...
Windows Live™: Keep your life in sync. Check it out.
Windows Live™: Keep your life in sync. Check it out.
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