Between Sleeping and Waking

Tuesday morning I went into Strong Hospital and had my tonsils removed. Along with my tonsils, the surgeon also "shaved" a good bit of my uvula off as well as part of my soft palette. The surgery was my final effort to combat my ongoing battle with sleep-apnea. Basically, while sleeping, all the throat muscles and everything inside relax and collapse into the throat thereby blocking the airways. I stop breathing and wake up gasping for air. To my wife this phenomenon is known as snoring.

I went in for a sleep study about 2 or 3 years ago and it was determined that I experienced on the average roughly 50 t0 60 episodes of sleep apnea every hour. Since I was virtually waking up every minute of every hour, hence never getting into a deep sleep state, I have been for all intents and purposes not sleeping. Not really.

My first course of action required wrestling with a C-Pap which blows air into my nose via an elephant's trunk and looks sexy as all get-out. Wrestling is all can say I ever did with that thing. So many people who have used it have spoken in terms of religious transfiguration in view of the change it brought about. Me? I hooked on my snout every night and prayed for the best. There was one time, one time, when I woke up thinking "so that's what it feels like to really sleep!"

So finally I got a referral to an otolaryngologist who looked in my mouth and remarked "Jesus! Look at the size of those things!" When he suggested surgery I didn't hesitate. "Let's do it!" I said.

When my doctor came to visit me after surgery I said in a weak voice "This is the first time I've been able to breath through my nose!" He responded "Ever?" and I said "Yes". He went on to tell me I had some adenoidal tissue in my nose that he cleared out as well. His assistant had remarked "He's not supposed to have that!" to which he responded "Well, this guy does!"

It's Saturday evening, almost a full five days since the operation and I'm still weak and in a fair amount of pain. I'm feeling slight guilt over having been a fairly absentee father and husband these past few days but at the same time, nothing but good can come of this. I'm looking forward to seeing what life is like being more awake than usual.

After all, waking up is what Buddhism is all about. All I really want is to be awake. When I'm playing with my kid; when I'm talking to my wife; when I'm writing a song; when I'm playing a gig; when I'm providing music at a dying person's bedside. If I can't be truly awake during moments like that, what good is it?